Fuck Loo Roll: 5 Reasons You Should Be Panic Buying Books


In a world where everyone and his dog thinks they’re a hard man on Twitter and goes around being abusive to celebrities, a real-life situation has occurred.

As predicted, the trolls have turned out not to be the hard men they claimed to be, and have scarpered back to their caves with half the world’s bog roll and dried pasta.

While everyone else is out there fighting for the last pack of Charmin, I’m over here buying as many books as possible. Here are 5 reasons why you should be too.

5. Local Bookstores Need Your Support Now More Than Ever: Many small business owners face an uncertain future, as do charities providing vital aid in this scary time. That’s why you should be buying more from small, independent retailers and charity shops. One item sold both by a lot of independent retailers and charity shops alike, is books. So, next time you grab three books to add to your huge pile of ones to be read, remember; you’re supporting your local community.

4. You Deserve A Distraction: It’s getting harder and harder to ignore how dire a state the world is in, and how disgusting human beings can be in times such as these. That’s why you need books to cheer yourself up and give you a welcome distraction. You can take yourself off to another world, or another time, from the comfort of your own home.

3. Books Are Great For People Who Are Stuck At Home: As anyone who’s ever had to recover from a major injury will know, being stuck in your own house quickly goes from a welcome change to a pain in the arse. For those who are self-isolating, have Corona Virus or have been ordered to work from home, books can relieve the boredom and be a fun way to make yourself feel like you’re somewhere else, even when you’re not.

2. You Can Spend All The Money You Were Going To Take On Holiday: With travel bans kicking into effect and airline bosses threatening to take their million pound bonuses and fuck off if they don’t get a bailout, it’s likely that you won’t be having a summer holiday this year. Take the money you would spending on your dream trip and spend it on books. You won’t need to feel guilty about wasting money on even more books, because they’re much cheaper than a trip abroad!

1. Who The Fuck Knows When This Will Be Over?: In such uncertain times, it’s unclear when this will all be over and life will return to even a semblance of the way it was before. With that in mind, you should be preparing for the worst by buying as many books as you can bloody well carry. They’ll see you through the dark times and help you to have a little fun during this crazy situation.

Public safety notice: please don’t wipe your arse with the books you’ve stockpiled. Not only is it unsanitary, but disrespectful too. And if I hear that you’ve been doing it, I’ll come round and be very cross at you!